Thursday, October 28, 2010

A "Mixed Bag" Day

I guess the title just about say it.  I am still feeling better and glad to feel this way.  I am glad that one treatment is behind me but I am already thinking that the next one is right around the corner.  Feeling better now, the tunnel I was in over the weekend seems far away.  I am not looking forward to going back down again.  But, I have to.

SInce my counts are low, today at preschool I needed to think more consciously about the times I am around the children and any coughs or sneezes in my direction.  One of my staff members even told me that I shouldn't be helping the children out of their cars at drop-off since their little hands have a multitude of good and bad stuff on them at all times.  She was right, I need to stop doing that at this time.  The children are really my joy and it's hard not to be able to spend more time with them as I usually do.  I even find myself turning my head when an adult wants to hug me because I just can't take a chance.  This is hard for someone who loves to hug and take those little trusting hands in mine as I lead them into preschool.

There are also a few pressing personal issues I need to deal with presently.  I mean, life doesn't just stop because you are going through chemo.  So, I need to think these things out and I am finding that I am looking at things a little differently.  A friend told me how these difficult times in our lives really are life-changing and she is absolutely right.  I am thinking that my new life after chemo is going to look different than my life before chemo. 

I told you in a previous blog that I had been kinda "going through the motions" with some parts of my life and kept being nudged by my inner self that something needed to change.  I just didn't realize that cancer would be that "something" and how this struggle (only beginning) will actually be the catalyst for propelling that future change.

I go tomorrow for another blood test to see if the counts are up.  I was feeling tired today...and it could be because I did not sleep well last night or that I did a lot these last two days...but it also makes you a little worried that maybe the counts aren't coming up.  I'm not sure if or what they do to help this at this point.  But I do know if they are not up enough on Tuesday, I cannot get my chemo.  Talk about a "mixed bag"...yeah, who really wants the chemo...but also I need it and I want to get through this as quickly as I can.  But I can't make my body do anything that it doesn't want to do, which is so aggravating (whoops...there's that control issue raising its ugly head again...down, boy, down!).  Also, the schedule they have me on now means that the week of Thanksgiving would be one of my good weeks.  If anything changes that schedule, then Thanksgiving could be "in the dumper" for me.  Yeah, I's far away yet and I have two chemos to get through before then.  And counts to watch in the weeks inbetween.   So, we'll see what happens.

So, today is definitely a mixed bag of feeling good to be feeling good and the anxious anticipation already beginning for next week.  

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