I have spent some quality time doing my own inner complaining and ranting and raving and even wrote a poem of sorts last week about those inner feelings. I have gotten mad at my body for betraying me with cells that became abnormal and tests that proved positive. I have even taken a day or two to have a real "pity party" and take myself shopping to buy some shoes I didn't need and other assorted items that filled that hurting place.
I've completely used up my lemons so it is now time to make the lemonade.
I remember thinking at the end of last summer that I was feeling the need for a break from some things in my life since it was all getting just too mundane and predictable. I was looking at changing some things; taking time from some other things I had been doing on a regular basis; and generally "clearing house" to figure out what I wanted to do "now that I grew up". As I've said, be careful what you wish for...cause sometimes it comes to you in ways you don't expect. I got the break, just not exactly how I pictured it!
Instead, a "break" turned into this long journey through the world of Breast Cancer and its subsequent treatments and surgeries. It began last August and is still continuing now in April. I have been through the initial surgery (lumpectomy/quadrantectomy), and the "red devil" combo chemo, and the taxol chemo, and started the Herceptin. A mastectomy is the next part of the plan, and I have decided to have the bilateral version. However, because of the toxicity of the chemo's and the Herceptin....my heart function declined somewhat. It is right at the low point/but still OK point right now (which is why I need to see the cardiologist). I am waiting on the "Okey-Dokey" from the three doctors listed at top, and then I am all ready for the May 11 surgery. It has definitely been a long, involved process.
I still am lifted up, however, by those around me. And I am so glad they won't let go, no matter how long this ordeal seems to be. I get tired of talking about myself and know it must also be tiring to hear; but still good friends and loving family members continue to ask the questions and listen to the answers. They also still send cards, still phone, still e-mail, still send flowers (and I just got the most beautiful Easter Lily from some very dear friends), and still care and still offer to help with anything I need or will need.
So, THIS must be...My Lemonade!
It is mixed with the strength God gives me and the strength He will continue to feed me even when I don't feel very strong at all. It contains the sweetness of my granddaughter's smile, the concerned eyes of my husband, and the knowledge that there will be people to count on when "the going gets tough". It is stirred with the personal touch of my "old-same" and nephew, my niece, and my son. And it is served with the warmth of family and friends who are always there and are just waiting to be called upon to help.
Yup, the lemonade is ready and waiting! And to that I sincerely say,
"Thanks be to God!"
"Thanks be to God!"