I know...long time, no write. It seems the better I feel, the more energy I get, and the more I am catching up at work, home and with family. But here I am again to talk to you about my journey.
Having this break from any medications and not needing to be at the chemo center (due to my current decreased heart function) has become a good thing. I didn't know just how much I needed this "little break" in between the next stage of the journey. I still wish that I could have kept my surgery date of 4/13, but "it is what it is!". The last entry was just after the stronger Herceptin drip and the last muga scan. I was really feeling very drained physically and emotionally. The news about my heart was very disconcerting, but the news of the forced vacation from the chemo center was kinda uplifting. Not that the break has been "smooth sailing"! I have experienced severe joint and muscle pain in my legs and my hips after that last Herceptin! I'm pretty good with pain and discomfort, but I was finding that just going up and down stairs or climbing into bed would have my legs groaning in pain. I will be telling my oncologist all about this when I see her on 4/15 (that seems like such a long time away!).
As the leg/hip pain is starting to dissipate, I am finding myself feeling almost "normal" again. I look in the mirror and see my fuzzy head getting a little more fuzzy. I think it will be coming in all white and I am thinking I may leave it like that. Remember how I panicked about not having "bangs" since I had them my whole life? Well now...who cares? (How perspective changes with cancer!). I am also thinking that once my hair grows in just enough, the wig is coming off and I may never wear bangs again!
Can you also remember I told you about a friend of mine who has had a double mastectomy and how she was willing to let me see and feel her implants? Well she did just that. We were coming back from a church meeting and were talking a bit about ourselves. She suddenly said, "Well, are you ready to look right now?". I wasn't sure I really was, but I said "Yes!" and we went to the bathroom at church, locked the door, and she pulled up her top. I cried. She thought it was because I was horrified. I wasn't. I cried because they looked just fine and I knew now that I would definitely be OK with my implants. Believe me, they are not like having your own breasts, but they sure are a good substitution. She even had tattooed nipples that looked almost real! I was so happy she showed me. I even felt them and they feel somewhat harder than a real breast, but not bad either! I can do this now. What a good friend to know I would need this and be willing to do this! We stood in the bathroom for a while talking and crying. She told me that even though it is two years ago for her, she didn't realize how much she needed to talk to someone about what she went through. And she is feeling more "healed" by talking to me. I am feeling more "whole" by being with her.
That's when I realized it is all God's Divine Intervention.
I have needed time to breath. I have needed a break from constant cancer thinking. I have needed to cry. I have needed to feel more secure in my decision about having implants. I have needed my own life back, if just for a little while. I have needed to stop the fast moving train so I could get my head around all that had happened and all that was to come. I had prayed about it...and God made sure it happened. Yup, Divine Intervention alright!
For the next two weeks, I still have this time to myself. I am not needed to do anything until the next muga scan on 4/13 (to see if the heart function corrected itself), and my appointment with my oncologist on 4/15 (to decide what's next). I do need to also call my surgeon since she has "penciled me in for the week of 4/17" somewhere and I need to touch base with her. But for now, there is nothing I need to do but wait and breath and just be "me".
So I thank God today for His Divine Intervention and for this "mid-journey rest". Decisions ahead, but for now...peace!