I think now, how fortunate I really was doing all I was doing and accomplishing so much without too many cares in the world. Sure, I have my share of "crazy" in my life and a good heaping helping of "worry and concern", but all in all, I was coping pretty well. The problem was....I wished and got my wish....but it was just not quite the wish I wanted.
I am beginning a new path in life but it is one which will forever change me, those around me, and how I will feel about (trust) my body to do its job from now on. Each time I will need to go for some kind of test....I will hold my breath until the results are announced. No longer will I just take it for granted that things will turn out OK.
And as I am recuperating/recovering/adapting/accepting and just plain making it from day to day for a while, I suddenly do have time to myself to read and to walk....but my thoughts all turn to cancer. So, I am not hearing the birds as much or feeling the sunshine (well, yeah, it has been raining for the last week also). And I do keep looking over my shoulder for that Headless Horseman.
I am waiting for insurance certification before I begin chemo (gotta love our health system!). Today I received the call to arrange the surgery at the hospital to insert the port into which the chemo cocktails will be poured (I am thinking of bringing a martini glass just for comfort). Even though I was expecting the call, it still struck me like, "Wow...this is really happening!" I keep telling people that I am taking it one step at a time, and not looking too far ahead because I don't want to drive myself crazy (although, yes, I enjoy that state right now as a part of "normal")...but I mean really, over the top, anxiety-ridden, fear-filled, gigantic crazy.
I received two gifts in the last couple days. One was a big, soft, fluffy, all-encompassing white robe that I feel draining all the sad out of me. When I put it on, I do feel the hug from the friend that sent it and I do feel like it is hiding me from the world and protecting me from "what lies beneath" (remember that scary movie?). The second gift is from that friend of mine that believes in the "power of God" and the "power of shoes". It is a pair of 5 inch hot pink suede boots that help me (for the first time in my life) to actually be over 5 feet tall! And yes, the air is better up there! I feel empowered, I feel strong, I am woman....watch me roar! And I need to learn how to walk in them before I fall over! But both gifts remind me that there is strength to be found right now; particularly within these two gifts and with the friends who sent them and other people that surround me and of course, through God and His care for me (even in spite of big "C"). And these gifts will remind me that this is not going to be easy, but that I will make it to the other side and make it there cancer-free.
Thank God (literally) for doctors and surgeons who love doing what they do and save us one person at a time; for technology that invents intricate machines to help us; research and labs and technicians that could even find that "speck" on my node; nurses that care and do so much...even trying to make you feel less afraid than you are; medicine and chemicals that help us become well; and for people around us that enable us to continue forward when we really don't want tomorrow to come.I am having the port put in on Oct. 19. Believe it or not, that was the first day they had an opening! So, I am assuming (and we know what that means) the chemo will begin soon after that. So, it gives me a little time. And the funny part is, I'm not sure whether I'm happy about that or not. Because I am anxious to begin paddling hard up this raging river I'm facing and pulling my kayak to shore and walking away.....towards the chirping birds and the soft rays of sunshine.