I've been sailing along pretty well...feeling OK even when not feeling OK...making the best of it all. So, I was kinda surprised at myself this weekend when depression kinda took over and I was having a hard time shaking it.
Maybe I just needed this release; I do know I feel a little better having done all the crying I did. And yes, like the title says...Big Girls DO cry....even brave ones....even ones trying their best to keep their spirits together.
The crash this time came sooner than usual. I started feeling pretty bad on Thursday afternoon. That night, I had an important meeting with one of the families in preschool and it took every ounce of strength I had just to drive to the meeting and then get through it and drive home again. Once home, I knew beyond a doubt that the crash was on its way and wouldn't wait until Saturday.
Indeed, Friday found me unable to lift myself from the couch for too long and that dreaded cloud was forming above my head. And that was the beginning of my starting to feel sorry for myself. Christmas music was playing on commercials and holiday shows were on t.v. I kept thinking of how lousy I was feeling and how this Thanksgiving/Christmas season was going to be a hard one to get through. I was even wondering if I could summon the strength to be "happy and jolly" during Thanksgiving for my granddaughter. Of course, I am looking at it from the low point of the "red devil" week...I know in my head that it will get better and I WILL feel better next week. But, that's how low I felt on Friday.
On Saturday, I was just feeling tired and very down. My husband had volunteered to help feed the homeless a few towns over, and asked if I felt OK enough for him to go. I didn't want him to feel like he had to stay here for me, so said "yes". However, I felt so alone all day and just couldn't stop crying. He called several times, but I didn't let him know how I was feeling since I didn't want him to worry. However, once he came home, I couldn't stop myself. Just one look at him and I dissolved into a puddle of water. He said all the right things, and reminded me that things would be better and that it was to be expected that I would be feeling this way. And he made me promise not to hide it from him again. But that's hard for me because I am usually the "take charge" person....the one who "solves the problems"....who "leaps tall buildings in a single bound". That person, though, was not me Friday...or today. That was not me at all.
We all have our walls; the time when we come up against it and just cannot get over. And that's what I hit today. In order to climb over the other side, we are planning a walk tomorrow and I'm gonna soak in some of the sun (if there is any) and fresh air and try to drive these blues away. For now, though, my eyes just keep leaking...with a mind of their own.