Friday, May 6, 2011

Blind Trust

The countdown to mastectomy surgery is set at:   five days to go.  

It seems so long ago that I was told this would be a part of my particular journey and spring was always the season when I knew it would be happening.  And now, here it is just a mere five days away.  I am feeling somewhat anxious, but that is no surprise.  I spent this past week visiting all the doctors/surgeons so I have all the information I need beforehand.  I know it is not going to be pleasant, and that I can expect pain and uncomfortableness.  But I can also expect that my life will be longer because of this surgery.  It is scheduled for the early afternoon of May 11th.  I will probably stay in the hospital until the following Saturday morning.  As soon as I can manage the drains and pain medication, I can be released.  Then someone needs to be home with me for at least the first week.

That someone was always going to be my husband.  Then, last night he once again seemed to be coming down with some type of bronchitis or pneumonia (he is prone to this since his heart surgery two years ago).  He shivered so much last night that I had to get up out of the bed and sleep elsewhere.  Last time he got this sick he was in the hospital for five days.  I thought if this happens now...what are we going to do?  Most of my friends work, most relatives who don't work have their own health issues or live far away; so I needed to start thinking of who could "fill in".  Right now, thankfully, my husband is home and on a strong antibiotic which the doctor is hoping will get him through my surgery time.  He will still need some additional testing to see what's going on after I have recouped, but we are hoping the meds will at least get us through til then.  It's going to be a close race, but we are hoping for that.

Doesn't it seem like everything always happens at once?  You barely get through one emergency or difficulty before another rears its ugly head.  This past Thursday, our church had a National Day of Prayer Healing Service.  I went gladly and was gratified that for me, this was a timely service.  One of the readings was Psalm 91 which describes the safety we have if we trust in God.  It seems like such a simple thing, but as humans we often find it hard to trust in anything.  Certainly the world around us is full of falsehood and lies, so it is hard for us to lean back anywhere and think there will be strength to hold us against doubt.  But it IS possible with God on our side.  Blindly trusting, and in spite of any doubts, I am determined to give all of this up to the only person that will actually hold us both at this time.  It's all I know to do with what is now our life and all I have done before time and time again.  And while things do not always turn out the way I thought; God was there in the midst of it and I knew it.

Pastor asked us during the service if we envisioned God as "refuge" being a fortress or a bird's nest.  I kinda think of God being like that bird's nest.  After a long, difficult winter, before the green leaves start to show, you can see plenty of nests swaying in the breeze.  Nests that made it through snow storms, bitter winter winds, cold pounding rain, and all the worst winter has to offer.  I don't think God always has to do things large or powerful like a commanding fortress...altho, it is His choice!   I do, though, believe He often combines His power and grace with the fragility of our life on earth to help us sway in the treetops so we don't break and crumble.   I am not intending to crumble...even though I am scared and swaying from side to side right this very minute.  I will keep reminding myself that God has been holding me in that swaying nest and has no intention of letting go.

It is almost like the surgery itself.  I am trusting that God will be holding the surgeon's hands so they are steady and sure; and that their decisions will be ones that benefit and prolong my life.  In the end, that's all we have.  Just a "Blind Trust" that all will be well.  It will be enough.  It has to.


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