Monday, May 16, 2011

Learning to Be Still

There is always a lesson in everything.  If we look deep enough or if we are quiet enough, it is there.  We are learning every day of our lives.

I am learning to "be still".  My body right now will not allow me to do much else.  Believe me, I try and push myself, but my body pulls me back down to the pillows.  In Psalm 46, there is a reminder of who is in charge of all around us...and that we need to let go of our hold onto all we think is "important" to really know just what IS important.  I am learning to "be still" and learning just who is in charge here.

I am so glad to be on the other side of the surgery.  I am glad to be at home to begin the healing.  I am glad to know good things are now in front of me, although it will be a slow process.  I am not good at slow...but I am learning to "be still".  My chest feels like someone is pulling it in all directions and/or like there is an elephant who has decided my chest is good seating.  The antibiotic I need to take makes me very nauseous unless I remember to eat enough before I take it.  I tend to think I will not be able to sleep and then wake up three hours later. And I have limitations through a body that can't do what I want it to do.  Through it all, I am learning to "be still".

On Saturday, my breast surgeon called with the results of the lab work.  I held my breath (I remembered last time when unexpected words were delivered) but this time the results were good.  The tissue in the left breast (that one that had the cancer) showed no residual or otherwise cancerous tissue.  The tissue in the right breast showed some calcifications and a few abnormal (but she said not yet cancerous) cells.  This only made me feel better about my decision to have both breasts removed.  So, I let out my breath and felt all your prayers rush in and bring peace.

Today, I went to the plastic surgeon and he looked at my chest and pronounced it "healing well".  He had explained to me before surgery that sometimes tissue will die and need to be replaced with a type of skin that is from cadeavors (yea, gross!).  But mine seems to be doing well so far.  He reminded me that I am still in the early stages of recovery and that I need to "be still".  My husband told him (tattle-tale!) how I keep trying to get up and "do things".  The surgeon told me to STOP trying; to just give my body time to heal.  (Have I mentioned that I am learning to "be still"?)  He changed the dressing and I did sneak a peek.  I look like someone who was beat up rather well, but it wasn't as scary awful as I thought (thank you, my friend, once again for that peek at your breasts so I would know what will come in time).  He also took out two of the drains.  I go see him again on Friday and he will change the dressing again, and take out the other two drains.  And he MIGHT even begin adding fluid to the expander.  Small, slow steps of healing.

After the appointment, my husband took me to the diner for breakfast to "celebrate"!.  Once the food came, though, I could only take a few bites before I was feeling like I would fall asleep in my plate.  So, my husband finished quickly and we left.  So much for that breakfast date!

I am learning to take this time to rest and to heal and especially to give thanks for my doctors, nurses (I loved them at the hospital!  We should all stand up and give three cheers for Nurses!), my family, my friends, and for God's lesson on "being still".  And in the meantime I will get better, my hair will grow, and I will hear the "still, small voice" of healing in the quiet.

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