Sunday, September 11, 2011

Long Time No Write

Hello....I'm back.  It was such a busy two weeks, and is always my busiest two weeks of the entire year.  It is the lead-up to school beginning, all the paperwork that needs to be done and then the decisions about staff and classes, and all the last minute arrangements, questions, and details that need to be worked out..  Not to mention dealing with parents, last minute changes, new families and all that a new school year also entails.  Not always new or different items to deal with, but always details to attend to at the last minute..

And here it is 9/ New York.  A time of somber reflection and it reflects my life.  I have come a long way, no doubt.  That there is more to go, no doubt.  Can I do it?  No choice...just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I was in church today for a God-filled worship for a peaceful world.  During that time, it was announced that a friend of mine has colon cancer and is just beginning a time that will much impact the family.  Also, I talked to a "fellow cancer patient" (who has a different cancer than mine) and heard they have taken him off his "maintenance chemo" and he now needs other drugs and more testing more often.  So hard for him and his family who has been struggling with his diagnosis for so many years now...and whom will struggle even more now.  So, is my story the worst?  No.  But it is mine and I am tired and wanted it to be better.  Still, I hear these stories and realize that I need to put my life in perspective.

You see, that darned "red area" keeps acting up.  My plastic surgeon has been "babying" me along hoping it would heal slowly and gradually.  He has been most generous in his time and his concern.  Yet, it seems to get better for a while, then suddenly is not.  He gets happy and proclaims it "OK", then solemnly has to tell me that he "is not pleased but instead concerned".  He keeps trying and trying to make it OK.  I know he likes us very much and wants it to be good.  But it is skin that has a mind of its own.  And I guess, it clearly is having "issues".  Finally, last Friday, after my muga scan (which I heard from my oncologist that day turned out "OK"...not sure what that means, but I'll take any positive news), I went to see him and he took one look and clearly was upset that it had once again taken a turn.  He told me that the next step would be to take the implant out of that breast, let it heal and rest, and then begin again in three months.  He said he would make this determination on Tuesday.  But I think we both know that he is just giving me time to get used to the idea of what needs to happen.  I so don't want to do this...but there clearly is no choice.  I can't keep trying to make this skin do what it clearly cannot.  So I have made my peace with what will need to happen on Tuesday and the news he will have to tell me.  It is so surprising that it is on the breast that was not diagnosed with the cancer.  But, life is not always a perfect path.

I am, however, so glad to begin a school year and church year when I know I can begin to be a part of  "life"  again.  I feel like last year was just a blur and so full of "just getting by".  I do know how far I have come and I appreciate so much the life returned to me.  I just so wanted my implants to be working by now and to be almost finished with the reconstruction and have only the Herceptin to finish.  Not that this is the end of it all...there are still many future tests and scans and other "stuff".  Just that the worst of the worst would be over for now.

So, I ask your prayers once again.  For strength to not despair that I may have to start from "ground zero" (wow...what a metaphor!) with the right breast.  But if I do, I want to be courageous and strong.   

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