Tuesday, September 27, 2011

A Rock and A Hard Place

Have you ever heard that expression "between a rock and a hard place:?  That's where I am right now.  Not moving forward, not moving back...just trying to get things normal.  No answer screaming at you in the face; just one decision after another to look at and find an answer for in the midst of so much "grey area". 

I don't get worse, it's just that the dreaded "red spot" doesn't get better.  My plastic surgeon decided I should go to an "infectious disease" doctor just to ensure he is not overlooking anything before the next surgery.  He is concerned that while all things appear to indicate an  infection leading to this area not healing...the fluid that he gets from this area is clear!  He tells me that I am teaching him some "new things".  I told him I'm just not so happy about being his  teacher for all this!

His next step was to inflate me with his "double dose" (which he also did today) so he could expand the skin area and have more to work with during the surgery.  He wants to increase the amount of skin he will have to "work with" during surgery.  My appointment with the infectious disease doctor gave no answers yet; although he did say that since bacteria was found at the last surgery, I needed to know that bacteria has a tricky way of adhering to a foreign object within a body...and is very difficult to get rid of even with medications.  He thinks this is the case with me and that the bacteria has attached itself to my extender.  He has ordered cultures of all kinds to happen during the surgery and he will look at all this and determine future treatment right after surgery.  I also went to my internist (for pre-op testing) and he agreed with all of this information.  He also thinks my body is beaten down by the chemo and this infection just got the better of me.

My surgeon is saying, however, that this will be the last stop in trying to keep this phase of reconstruction going on this breast.  If there is still an indication that this is not working after this final surgery....then I will need to have this extender taken out and will have to wait for a few months before anything can even be tried again. 

So the game plan is on for next Thursday.  I go in the morning to the surgeon's surgical suite, he takes out the old extender, cleans the area thoroughly, takes bunches of cultures, puts brand new extender in....and then we all pray it works!

It's a rock and a hard place.  Not a comfortable place.  Not a place to lay your head.  But it's where I am.  It is, however, a place where God is....as are all places.

It is here in this uncomfortable place that I need to look around me to see how God is there between that rock and hard place with me.  I look at the list of people joining me on the breast cancer walk....we are up to 51 people!  I am so blessed to have so many people wanting to do this with me!  I am encouraged by the donations to our team, Rivertown's Bosom Buddies, that came to total almost $4,000! And then came Sunday when I stood in front of my congregation and thanked them for supporting me, praying for me, pushing me, and being a part of why I was standing in front of them.  They applauded!  I walked back to my seat hearing this wanting to cry because it is God's hand through this applause telling me I can do it!  And I can! And I will!

So that place between a rock and a hard place may not be such a bad place after all.  It's just a matter of who is there with you.  And when God's there...what more can you ask?

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