Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bouncing Back? Not so much...

This last round has really taken its toll.  It is now Tuesday, and while I usually don't feel "great" this day, I don't usually feel this bad either.  My legs are so weak that it feels like I am running a marathon just getting from the couch to the bathroom.  Walking upstairs is like a monumental mountain climb that leaves me out of breath if I go too fast...or feeling like I will pass out.  I have more aches and pains in my joints than I have had the entire time so far and a headache that won't quit.  And chills that come and go along with the hot flashes.

I have kept a running commentary on my calendar about how I have felt each day since the beginning, and it does show a progression of tiredness and weakness each time.  But I was unprepared for just how weak I would feel this time.  

I got my appointment for my muga scan for this Friday, the day after I go to the oncologist's office to have my bloods checked.  So, I am hoping that by Thursday when I go to the oncologist's office I am feeling a little better.  Otherwise, I am getting worried about feeling like this and will talk to her about it.

I have found during this whole process that I have been talking to God through my head and I first  thank Him for the people around me and for the treasures that are my life.  And I have also been fervently asking for strength to endure this and a courage to see it through.  I have wavered between doubt and hope many times, and when people tell me how strong I am...I want to refute it and tell them how I am sometimes scared to death and unwilling to go on.  But there seems to be no choice and I am on this "railroad ride from hell" till its last stop.

I heard about Elizabeth Edwards tonight and of course, it is a scary thing.  First, I know our prayers are for her family and we know she is now at peace.  But, of course, it makes me also think about myself (selfish maybe, reality maybe).  I know mine was caught in its early stages, but every once in a while, I confront my own mortality and hope that indeed it was caught in time.  I also hope it has everyone of you realizing the importance of mammograms and ultrasounds and self-checks and that you don't make any more excuses and make your appointment now.  I even think beginning at 40 years old as is recommended is too late....going through this...I would start much earlier and feel much safer starting at a younger age.  

While there have been many hard times and moments I have been overwhelmed, I do want you to know that there really have been some very wonderful, touching times as well.  I am still amazed at the goodness of people who really do care about me and who call or send cards just to let me know they are thinking of me.  Particularly at this stage in the game when it is going on so long.  Yesterday I received two of those calls.  One from a friend of my husband's that called for the second time (not to talk to my husband), but to "check in" and hear from me how I was feeling,  even though I know he reads this blog.  And the second phone call was from someone I know, but not too well, who called just to cheer me up.  My niece has offered to come and be with me many times lately, but unfortunately always seems to be at a time when I am feeling lousy...yet she keeps checking on me and letting me know she is there if I need her.  The friend that cooks keeps bringing meals once a week; as well as some friends from my husband's church.  I have received an offer of a "make-over" from a wonderful spirit-filled lady and an offer to clean my house from another friend.  And my husband and I have become closer and more affectionate than we have been in our entire soon-to-be 40 years of marriage.  These are the blessings that God delivers when we need it the most.

So, hoping that the next few days I can somehow get some of "me" back; maybe not by bouncing so much, but by crawling instead, but I am hoping to get there.  I thank you all for your encouragement and want you to know how much it means and how much it is helping me to keep my spirits up.   

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