Monday, January 31, 2011

Whining, Wondering and Wild Weather

OK, I really just feel like whining.  Just like one of the three year olds outside my office in preschool.  As teachers, we usually say (just in a whisper to each other in the midst of whining) "Can we get some cheese with that whine?"  It's like a pathetic, old joke that we tell to each other again and again.  And it always manages to get a laugh out of all of us!

But tonight I feel just like one of those three year olds and I just want to whine, whine, whine and say "Poor me!"  I am tired of going to chemo.  I am tired of my bald head.  I am tired of feeling achy and tired.  I am tired of getting weighed every Tuesday before chemo (it's worse than Weight Watchers ...I always feel like I need to lose weight).  I'm tired of telling my story.  I'm tired of worrying about blood counts.  I'm just tired, tired, tired of the whole breast cancer thing.

I have six chemo sessions left and that seems like a million years.  I feel like these last months have been years.  I'm feeling sorry for myself and I can't and won't make excuses for it.  Right now, I just want to whine and throw a temper tantrum because I know I will feel so much better after I cry, scream and kick my feet on the floor.  I want off this Cancer Merry-go-Round!  There!  I feel better just complaining.

I keep wondering what the mastectomy will be like and what the implants will feel like and how I will look.  I know this will be answered by the plastic surgeon but right now, I just wonder.  I wonder if I will ever look back on this time and second guess myself on any decisions.  I wonder if I will ever feel well again.  I wonder how often I will have to continue to see the oncologist after all the surgery is done.  I wonder if I ever will have to go through any of this again.  I wonder if my hair will really grow back again...and the hair in my nose, my eyelashes, and elsewhere.

The world outside is very much an imitation of my own emotions and my life right now with breast cancer.  There has not been such wild winter weather in a long, long time.  Every time I turn around, there is another storm here or one coming.  Just one hit after another keeps rolling in with no end in sight.  

I know I am usually able to "keep a stiff upper lip" most of the time.  But yesterday and today...I  just want to be a whiner.  I want someone else to take my place for a while.  I want to feel normal just for a day.

Tomorrow is another trip to the chemo ballroom where I will dance unconsciously through a benedryl haze (hopefully, if counts are good) and be able to mark one more treatment down.  I am hoping this wild winter weather that we are being warned is coming will not stop us from getting there.  My husband keeps saying we'll get there no matter what!  He knows what it means to get another one marked off on the calendar.

I know eventually, chemo WILL be done.  The surgery WILL be done and I WILL start getting back to a normal life.  But today, just for today....I need to whine.  Anyone have some cheese?  

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