Getting Closer to Implants!

I just looked at the last post and although I knew it had been some time since I was back here, I cannot believe it has been almost three months! Of course, once you start feeling better, life kinda takes over and your world begins to open up again.  

Since the last post, I have continued to visit my plastic surgeon (although not as often as before with all my complications) and he has continued to inflate the two implants.  Since it has taken a while to get to this point, I had been thinking, "Wow...they talk about this part being painful; but it's not too bad!"  Well, that was before the inflation kept going and let me tell you, it is indeed uncomfortable...especially at night when you want to sleep.  Turning and tossing is the norm until you can finally find a comfortable position.  The last two inflations were the most painful and right now, two weeks after the final inflation, I am still hurting although not as bad.   

My plastic surgeon and I talked about the size I wanted and I really did not elect to go "too big".  I was one of those teens who developed early and developed well.  I wasn't interested in being there again.  So, I am content with an implant of a smaller size than my own breasts had been.  He is so happy that things are now going well that he told me at the last appointment, "OK...now get out of here and do your happy dance!"  I did just that!  And went into the room where surgery is scheduled.  And funny enough, the date open for the surgery just happens to be my husband's birthday...how funny is that?  So June 11th I will go in and FINALLY have those implants inserted and get these annoying extenders taken out.

They tell me that the implants should be softer than the extenders.  And I am glad about that.  The saline that is put in the extenders makes the area very hard.  My surgeon says the silicone implants will be softer...although of course, never like a "real" breast.

I also had my 3 month visit with my oncologist.  Just before this visit, I had horrible allergies (in this part of the country this season was bad!) and developed a sinus infection.  I was also taking Claritin D for the allergies.  At the time, thought nothing of it.  But...after they took the blood and my oncologist came in, I knew with one look at her face that things were not good.  Indeed, my white blood cells and my platelets were low.  She asked me a bunch of questions and when I told her about the sinus infection and Claritin, she said that those could be factors...but just to make sure, I needed to come back in two weeks and do the bloods again.

Now, getting my blood is not easy.  My veins are so tired with chemo and surgeries that it takes a lot to get the amount of blood they need for these tests.  So, I wasn't looking forward to doing this again.  And I was so worried during the two weeks that something was wrong.  Because, of course, now that something "has been wrong", you worry "something" could raise it's ugly head again.  Fortunately, the minute she came to the door with a big smile, I knew I was OK.  And yes, the counts were back to normal so it was just the two factors of infection and Claritin that affected the counts.

As of today, I am waiting until June 11th when the implants will be a part of me.  And I cannot wait to get to that point and will be sure to post when that happens.  Until then, stay well, everyone!   

Good Morning Sunshine!

Each day now is such a pleasure knowing chemo is done.  I still have years of check-ups and scans before I can consider myself "cured"; but I am a survivor of all that has been! 

Once again (YAY!), at my last check-up at the plastic surgeon's, all things are still going well.  And once again, I do not have to see him until THREE weeks!  What a complete and utter pleasure to have so much time in between doctor appointments now.  I still have a month to go before my oncologist visit also.  I am now, though, in the process of playing "catch-up" with all my other doctors such as my original surgeon for the mastectomy, my dentist, my gyno doc, etc.  All things that need doing and have been neglected for the past year and a half.  I got a card from the place where I get my mammograms and ultra-sounds reminding me that I am due.  It was a bittersweet moment to see that and know those two tests won't be needed anymore; but was once again reminded that now I just look forward...one step at a time.

The right extender bothers me more than the left.  I am guessing that this is because it was more recently put back in, and that it was put in vertically rather than horizontally (plastic surgeon wanted to ensure that darn spot was not affected at all).  He is still saying that the implants will be in sometime in May.  I had a chance to talk to my friend who had the mastectomy and asked her if the implants will indeed feel better and more comfortable than the extenders.  She told me they definitely were easier...so that is something to look forward to.  Can't wait.  And can't wait to be done with surgeries.

I did have one additional surgery just last week....I GOT MY PORT OUT!  My oncologist gave the "all clear" and said I could arrange this whenever I wanted to.  Since it was beginning to press somewhat on the right extender, I decided to do it now.  While I was in there waiting for the procedure, I started thinking about the last time I was in that room (same room, same bed!) and how frightened I was for the port to be put in and overwhelmed by all that was coming.  I sat in the bed unable to hold back the tears...and the nurse came in.  She told me "Don't cry now...you have so much to go through, this will be the smallest part.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't look ahead.  Just take it one day at a time."  And she was right.  It indeed helped to just survive the next procedure, next chemo, next surgery; and not keep thinking about all of it at once.  God reminds us of the same thing when he said "Don't worry about tomorrow.  Tomorrow will come with worries of it's own.  It is enough to just get through today." (Matt. 6:34)  And it sure helps knowing God is there every step of that day in front of you.

So I wake up today to sunshine and a beautiful spring-like day in February and remember when I so wanted to just be at this point and had so much yet to go.  With a lightened heart I can gladly say, "Good Morning, Sunshine....you brighten my day!"

Purging

Things keep going well right now.  My final chemo was January 20th, and this past Friday should have been "the next one" if I had to keep going.  I bet my body was in shock to find it can start standing on its own.  It will be wonderful to watch my body repair itself after all the chemicals put into it through that damn bag hanging overhead.  That final treatment was probably the hardest to get through since I sat counting the minutes until I could officially know I was done.  I now have the "official certificate and pin" of being done with chemo treatments.  Let's hope that remains to be fact throughout the rest of my life.


The new implant continues to do well.  I still have a slight reddish-brown mark (which my plastic surgeon says may never now go away totally) on the side of the "breast" where the infection continued to plague me the last year.  But the good news is that for the first time, I have had two follow-up appointments that have been two weeks apart-----a length of time I have never been able to wait without a problem!  So this is a truly wonderful, healing thing.  My surgeon says that if this continues, I will be able to finally, finally get my implants in by May.


For those who have never had extenders, you need to know that they are uncomfortable.  You never truly get used to them....you just adjust life to knowing they are there and that eventually something better will be put in place of them.  For now, it interrupts sleep as I usually wake up when turning; bending over puts pressure in that area, and temperature changes outside affect how they feel.  There is always a certain uncomfortableness and you just know and are aware that something different is in your body.  Plus, any change in weather or a coming weather pattern....or who knows?...maybe even a full moon...brings with it it's own pressure throughout the breast area and along the scars on my sides.  But I am alive and I am a survivor and that puts all this into perspective.


I have been really busy lately since I am re-entering my life with all it's meetings, decisions, and constant "going" that life gives to all of us.  I do find myself more tired lately, but also find that since I "look well" people assume I feel that way also.  I DO feel much better, but I also do need some rest between session "running the hamster wheel of life".  It's hard for others to recognize this, I know, so I do have to remind people sometimes that I am still a breast cancer patient and in the process of recovering.


My husband and I spent the weekend with family that we have not seen in some time.  My brother-in-law had a milestone birthday party and family came from up and down the coast.  We don't always talk together as much as we should....or see each other often....but we do love and care for each other.  It was so great to have this time together.


During this past week, I found myself just wanting to purge my home from some "stuff" that had to be around me during this past year.  Things such as:  some v-neck shirts that I wore to chemo since they could get to the port easier with them; old medication for chemo nausea; I put bandages and such back in the closet; I got some of my "cancer books" together to give to another person currently going through this; I finally got rid of my "chemo notes and calendar" since this blog really has all I need; and other stuff here and there.  Once I started purging, it seemed I kept going through more and more "stuff".  Things that once seemed so important, I now know to be "just stuff"!


I acknowledge this year and a half to be one of the hardest in my life (and yes, I do know it is not done yet...) yet it has given me moments of great joy; I have shared true feelings of love given and received and it has only strengthened a faith that will not be shaken but will continue to be my rock.


So I purge forward to a "new life" that is, and always has been....mine!

I'm BAAACKKK!

OK, I've taken a long rest and now it is time to get back to writing.  The holidays have also come and gone and my tree and decorations are back in the garage.  I have to admit, it was good to take a little break from it all.  And by break....I mean any further reconstruction or plastic surgery.  I still had my every three week Herceptin treatment and kept counting down to the last one....WHICH WAS LAST FRIDAY!  I was so happy; yet the last few treatments have been some of the hardest to get through.  Not because they were in themselves difficult to get through, but because it was getting so near the end...yet it seemed so far away.  It just seemed like time dragged waiting for the final treatment.  But...now it's here and done!

On January 20th, I had the surgery to re-insert an expander into my right breast.  As of today, everything still looks OK...not like the last six months when my skin just would not cooperate and I couldn't seem to get anywhere with the reconstruction.  

I went to my plastic surgeon a few days ago and he was so excited that nothing had changed (with my skin) and that everything looked like it was healing.  He told me I don't need to come back for two weeks (unless something looks "funny")...which for me is major!!!  I am so happy.! While in the office, (my husband, me and my doctor) were all kidding around (he HAS gotten to know us quite well) and he said my husband could chose my implant size!  I told him if that were the case, I wouldn't be able to walk straight!  But seriously, we are all just hoping it all goes well and the implants can happen.

While all this was going on, I had some decisions to make.  One of them concerned retiring.  I have been a preschool director at my program for 30+ years.  It was becoming evident to me that "it was time".  And...my nephew and "old-same" finally received news about a wonderful boy in China that will be theirs very soon.  They were told this would happen in about 11-15 weeks.  I am retiring to be that wonderful child's "me-ma" and take care of him.  I am so looking forward to this next stage of my life and to all it will give to me and my husband.

So right now, things are looking better.  In fact, I got the "OK" to get my port out and I will be making those arrangements soon.  And now it is also time to "catch up" with all the other doctor appointments I need to make...my breast surgeon, my gyno, my dentist (haven't been there since work might cause infection which is not good during chemo), and my eye doctor!  WOW...normal stuff again.  And I am so looking forward to some normal in my life.

It's a long way from last Spring when I thought things would be at this point.  But it IS at this point finally and I am eternally thankful! 

A Commercial Interrruption....

Hi!  I am OK, but have heard concerns from people about the fact that I have not written....so, I promised to let everyone know why I am taking a little break.  You know it has been a long, hard year.  Right now, things are "status quo".  I will be done with all chemo on January 20th; and I am not scheduled to have any further surgery until the beginning of January.

It has been a long time since things have been this quiet.  And it is not that things are done and everything is fine.  Right now, I have one extender in and one out.  The other will be put back in after the first of the year.  Then, the recontruction begins again in earnest until the implants can finally be put in. 

For now, I am just "on hold".

So, I am giving myself a vacation.  Until January, I will not be writing anything new, unless there is something unforeseen that comes up.  And let's hope that does not happen!

So, Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I will be back after this commercial break....

Reflections on the Past Year

It's definitely been a while since I wrote...about two weeks, in fact.  During that time, my team, Rivertown's Bosom Buddies, participated in the walk for Breast Cancer Awareness on behalf of the American Cancer Society at Manhattanville College in NY on October 16th and raised over $7,000!  I am doing much better without the extender on one side of my body (it will be replaced once again in a couple months); and my blood pressure (which was a problem) is now under control.  I have been spending a lot of time lately in moments which are very reflective of my particular experience.

I keep thinking back to a year ago and where I was then and can't quite believe I have come so far.  I remember the week my sister-in-law spent with me while I was going through the beginning of chemo and when I first started to lose my hair.  I was so glad she was there and that she never showed how shocking it must have been to see me lose my hair overnight!  My husband also took everything in stride and never seemed to be "turned off" by my physical appearance.  In fact, if anything, he became more affectionate and more understanding than he ever was before.  The staff at my preschool never let me feel that my absences were a problem...truly, I feel like they worked twice as hard to make everything go "smoothly".  My church continued to let me know that even though I couldn't do all I did before, it really didn't matter.  They just wanted me well and told me so all the time.  Friends sent messages, small gifts, meals, prayers, and made phone calls to let me know I was not alone.  Of course, life is not perfect, and there were other problems within our extended family at that time that were very stressful.  These concerns made this time additionally difficult despite all the support I received.  Yet, I truly, truly felt the prayers that were being upheld for me; and it is because of these prayers that I could stand and face each wave of battle that had to be won over and over.

Creating a team for the Breast Cancer walk was one very positive action I could take at this time.  It gave me an energy to do something positive on behalf of all those who will follow me into this abyss of life-changing forces.  And it helped me to see it all beyond my own face...in the face of one in every eight people that I meet.  I am glad to have been a part of that walk and I was overwhelmed by the number of people who joined the team and made the walk with me!  Our local newspaper even wrote an article and me, my battle, and my wonderful walking team.

But each day lately,I remind myself of how far I have come.  Not that I don't think there is more ahead to fight through or fight for...but just that I HAVE survived all that has happened over the past year and I am more than ready to keep fighting.  I have met amazing people and have found support where I least expected it and have been so thankful of those friends and family that stayed with me no matter what! 

Life will have some changes as time goes on...as it should.  Perhaps it will have more changes because of all I have been through...as should be expected.  I know I am changed because of it...that is a "given".  More importantly, I am proud of all I have done and will do...and I will never take life for granted again.  

Thank you, everyone, for all you have been to me and for all the support you have shown.  It is incredible, amazing, and wonderful...Thank you!

Color My World...Pink!

First, to bring you up to date.  Surgery last Thursday....well, plastic surgeon found no evidence of infection (although I am still on heavy duty antibiotics in case something turns up) and could not find a reason why the skin is so "misbehavin"...so he decided to take out the extender and NOT put a new one in.  So for now, I am lopsided...although hopefully healing more consistently so he can try again in about 3 months or so.  I am now "stuffing a bra"...which I NEVER had to do in my life...quite an adventure! LOL! 

Also having issues with blood pressure.  After the last surgery, it went very low and I was taken off some of my meds for that--now, it is going high and I had to add some meds for that.  My body, I am sure, is saying "Enough, already!  Stick a fork in me...I'm done!"

Not feeling totally "up to par" yet.  But hoping to soon since the breast cancer walk is this Sunday and my team, "Rivertown's Bosom Buddies" are just raring to go!  Our shirts are coming this Friday ("Walking our Buns off for the Boobs") and I have been planning for this day for a while.  We have raised over $5,000 and I am so proud of what we have done.  

Each October, the world is colored PINK and breast cancer awareness is all over.  This is a pandemic, people!  Everywhere you go, look around you at people and count up to 8...one in eight people will be affected by breast cancer.  We need the PINK to remind us that we want to ensure early detection (get those mammo's, everyone!) and further research and development to help those who have already been diagnosed and those who will be.  We need to rid our bodies of this disease!  We need to take better care of God's world so that we, in turn, can take better care of us!  

Looking forward to seeing all the PINK on Sunday.  Even thinking of spraying my hair a little pink and of course, pink sneakers.  It used to be PINK reminded me of the cancer and all I was going through.  Now, it reminds me that there is HOPE and the color of HOPE is PINK!